I’ve been sitting on the idea of writing this for over a year, specifically because of the inevitable backlash I will receive. Wether said backlash comes in the form of private, “I’m disappointed in you” emails from my peers, or I get decimated on Twitter by randoms, it is absolutely, 1000% inevitable.

And I’m okay with that.

I’m okay with that because I have the privilege to be laying in bed writing this on my phone, in a good neighbourhood, in a huge city, where I moved to so I could go to College. I’ve had awesome jobs in many different fields. I’m privileged to be able to choose those fields.

Women fought tooth and nail to get where we are today. Women deserve the right to go to school where they want, to work where they want, dress how they want…you get it. Women deserve every right on this planet.

Despite these things, and my completely transparent agreement with them…I’m told I’m not a feminist.

I had an abortion in 2001. I was a stripper from 2006-2010, in the Sarlaac pit of “how many gross dudes can you encounter in a single evening”, breaking down stigmas of men (and women) who considered me and so many other women (and men) “less than” for what I legally and safely did for money, and supporting some of the strongest women I’ve ever met.

Two huge issues concerning women and the hardships they could encounter in their life, dealt with openly and with pride.

But I’m not a feminist.

If this doesn’t make sense to you, good. Because it baffles me as well for a while.

Here I am, believing that feminism is fighting for women’s rights. A woman’s right to be educated, heard, treated fairly, protected. PFFT. Please.

Apparently, or, at least in the past year or so, that definition has become rather skewed.

Last year, “feminism” was voted as the word most people want to be banned. BANNED. NOT ALLOWED TO SAY EVER.* (*note: I’ve been informed that this was mostly due to 4chan. My mistake.)

Many feminists don’t understand why. Because, like myself, their understanding of feminism is a completely rational cause to promote equality between all genders.

Well…I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but ladies…

The armchair feminists have arrived…and holy cripes, are they loud.

Sane, logical activism as we know it is no more. With the growing reach of the Internet, and sites like Tumblr, Twitter and Jezebel, women have taken feminism into their own hands, rebranded it, hashtagged it, and are shoving onto every website and blog they possibly can.

It’s not about being fair anymore. It’s about constantly reminding men of all the oppression they’ve (directly or indirectly) put us through, and not letting them forget for a bloody second.

“Traditional gender roles” are now REALLY FUCKING BAD. What if your son WANTS to play with cars and be a jock, or your daughter LIKES princess dresses and wants to be a stay at home mom? Nope. Not having it. Kirsten Dunst spoke out in favour of them – and was promptly ripped apart.

It’s not about empowering women anymore. It’s about teaching them that there is no difference between a compliment and harassment, and that every strange man is a potential rapist to be feared. Here is an actual rape victim pointing out the absurdity of the majority of online voices re: rape culture.

It’s not even about educating LAWYERS about rape law. It’s about coddling university students so they don’t get  “triggered”.

It’s not about supporting rape victims anymore. It’s about who can make the hugest deal out of vilifying the potential rapist before he has been charged, or in some cases, before he has even been spoken to.

It’s not about enjoying Christmas songs from the 40s anymore, it’s about completely reading into the the wrong way and telling people they’re about rape.

It’s not about discussion or debate. It’s about who can be more feminist than the other, and the loser of the group is instantly bullied into submission.

Feminism has become a club of Mean Girls. If you don’t think and act exactly like them, you’re aren’t one of them, and they won’t waste any time letting you know it.

I’ve been ganged up on, bullied, and/or harassed online for having the opposing view on many issues that people have decided stem from Feminism.

An acquaintance of mine did an excellent interview about her view on Anita Sarkeesian/#GamerGate a few months ago. Since it wasn’t in the normal fashion of “Rah, Rah, Sarkeesian is our Queen!”, she has since had to spend months defending herself on Twitter against Sarkeesian’s followers who harass, insult, and misquote her in an effort to shut her up. Sound familiar?

(NOTE: I’m not having the “are video games sexist?” argument. Some games have sexist elements. Some don’t. It honestly doesn’t bother me. I like shooting things and I’m not offended that my Ranger in GW2 is rocking a cute leather skirt and has bigger boobs than I do.)

I’m sure you all remember #ShirtGate. Sigh. When Matt Taylor landed a probe into A GODDAMN COMET IN SPACE…cries were not of joy, or “holy shit I love science!”, but “WHAT COMET? HIS SHIRT IS SO SEXIST.”
Yes. Feminists everywhere took to the Internet and blasted Taylor for his “misogynist, threatening” clothing (a bowling shirt with cartoon babes holding huge machine guns), demonizing him, his character, and his entire workplace until he tearfully apologized live on air.

A few of my favourite highlights, which I will expand on momentarily:

~ A few women stated that the shirt made them feel unsafe. That if they saw a man wearing a shirt with cartoon women in bikinis on it, they would feel UNSAFE, and threatened, in their workplace.

~ Women stating that “many” young scientists have now thrown away their career dreams due to the shirt.
Now 1) how the hell could you possibly know that, for real and 2) if you spend TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS and ALMOST AS MANY YEARS studying in the STEM field, only to set your diploma on fire and cry in bed because SOME DUDE IN ENGLAND WORE A SHIRT, you are a goddamn fool and you don’t deserve that career! Pull your damn bra straps up, girl! If you quit your entire career because an incredibly smart albeit socially awkward scientist made a bad fashion choice…turn in your lab coat and pocket protector BECAUSE YOU HAVE FAILED YOUR FELLOW WOMEN.

It’s hard enough for women to succeed in STEM jobs. Workplace sexism does still exist, sadly. But what does quitting over something so trivial prove? That you’re “making a stand”? No. It proves that you don’t want that job.

Quitting is for when your boss treats you like shit. Or your workplace is legally unsafe. Or the Assistant Manager who is really obsessed with Dr. Who refuses to speak to you on the phone and one day writes on the staff room wall that you do low-grade porn. I miss you, Sunrise Records.

Feminism has become a contest of who can be the most victimized; who can be the most offended; who can be the loudest about it.

The worst part about everything I’ve said? The women who judge, target, belittle, attack, lose their goddamn minds the moment someone says “not all men”…they have claimed feminism. And may whoever’s up there help you if you tell them they’re wrong.

I’ve had friends ask me why I hate feminism. I’ve even had friends TELL ME I hate feminism. I don’t. I’m just confused and annoyed, because there are two very different versions of it being broadcasted all over the place, both claiming they’re right. if you’re active enough online, siding with either one will guarantee at least a bit of harassment. And that’s bullshit.

And I’m not the only one who has noticed this huge divide, and how ridiculously overbearing the “new wave” of feminism has become.

Feminism isn’t about, as a woman, being able to think, say, and behave as you please anymore. It’s about having to think, say, and behave as the Overwomyn of the Internet see fit.

Oh, not to mention they’re GIANT HYPOCRITES.

And really? I don’t like it. It’s counter productive, petty, catty, and generally horrible for women to act this way. Why would I want to be a part of such a “movement”?

“BUT THOSE CRAZY BIATCHES ARE WRONG!”), you cry, unfriending me on Facebook for posting another crazy SJW (Google that at your own risk, dears), or calling me a woman-hater at the bar because I said “Blurred Lines” isn’t about rape (it’s still not). “Real feminists aren’t like that! The extremists on Tumblr are wrong!”

Are they?

Why aren’t the “real” feminists telling them so? Why are they constantly telling myself, and any others who side with me, that we’re insufferably annoying with our constant need to draw attention to the worst and most negative of the movement? Why aren’t the ones who are supposed to be the true representatives of feminism, silencing the shitty loud ramblings of the women who complain about being “stare-raped” on the subway?

Wait…why is society and the media focusing so intently on the most negative, the harsh, the extreme, the irrationally behaved of a group, and not the rest, who claim the aggressors don’t reflect the majority, who have a genuine, rational cause?

#GamerGate, anyone?

But in conclusion, as it stands…I don’t hate feminism. I hate when women use the word to hide behind as they hurl rocks and cruel names at anyone who hasn’t earned enough badges.

I shouldn’t have to worry about the negative things OTHER WOMEN are going to throw at me for having an opinion. Ever. That’s not feminism.

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Kenny Rogers,  you wonderful man.

Remember how optimistic I was about my new office job?

Yeah…no.

I got the fuck out of there after a week.

“BUT LAURA!” You protest, seemingly unaware that I can TOTALLY hear you yelling through the internet. “INSERT RANDOM REASON WHY THAT WAS A STUPID IDEA HERE!”

do-not-care

 

Y’all gotta listen for a second.

I’ve worked office jobs before. I’ve HAPPILY worked office jobs before. The hours I can adjust to. Ain’t no thang.

Sometimes, you just know that sticking around somewhere is going to stomp on your will to live, make you hate everything and everyone, and spend the few hours that you aren’t at work or sleeping sitting in front of a computer writing on a blog about how you want to kill a motherfucker because they got your Starbucks order wrong AND YOU ACTUALLY MEAN IT.

I have to make a list here.

1. The people. (Not you, Sarah, you’re cool.) I felt like I was in a really shitty, dark, High School, only these girls were like 30 and were, which was brought to my attention, bitter over the fact that I was hired and their friends were not. My every word and move were being lurked all the fuck over in an effort to get me into trouble. Someone actually flat out LIED to my boss about something I said on my first say, which resulted in him calling me into his office and asking what the fuck. No thanks. I am not about to spend the better part of my day being paranoid about opening my mouth and being watched by some weird chicks who have nothing better to do than focus on what I’M doing.

2. Full-time with no benefits. Again, I’m fine with office jobs. But when I’m expected to sit at a desk in a shitty, dark, office for 9 hours a day WITH NO BENEFITS, the excitement of a few hundred more dollars on my paycheque starts to fade away really quickly. Like in a week quickly.

3. The shitty, dark office. A rented out office space with a bunch of mismatched desks in the middle of the room with a bunch of mismatched computers thrown onto them, then down a hallway, then into another smaller room with the same set up and a dying plant against the window-sill of a dark window that is made of these things:

window

which also make up the other window across the room, which I can only assume is facing a brick wall as well because sunlight is a not a thing employees in the back room are blessed with.

Actually, fuck it, I’m drawing a picture.

It’s been 40 minutes, I made this for you in Photoshop and my mouse is being weird so sorry.

BEHOLD.

office

Note the sad star. I was that star.

4. The chairs. I something completely awful to my back and I could hardly walk or sleep for 3 days. The chairs are satan. woven into horrible vinyl or polyester or whatever the hell those things are made of. My back got better when I stopped going into work. I spend most of time IN a chair, no problem – but I’ve never had pain like that in my life.

Some people just aren’t built for dark, sad, bitchy work conditions. If that’s your bag, all the more power to you. Sometimes you just KNOW when something is bad for you, and thus, I want to part of it. Not when I’ve been working so hard to get out of the dark place I was in last year.

I’m fine for money at the moment, so that’s not an issue. I still freelance, am currently building a site for a client and friend, and I’m waiting on a call back from DavidsTea (which as you remember was the totally best thing of life)… if I don’t get that, than I’ll just keep looking. I’m not worried.

I’m productive as fuck when I’m happy. Being there was turning me in the opposite direction of both, and I knew it wasn’t for me.

If I were a Sim, my happiness would be a deep red colour, and I’d paint a sad painting, or flail my arms around and yell gibberish at the sky until a hot tub appears in my living room, or maybe pee on the floor.

Something to think about, because that’s pretty bad.

PS: I should clarify, I’m in no way slandering my old place of employment, or my old boss. It’s a well-run business. It’s just not the kind of place I’d do well in. Don’t send a hit out on me or anything.

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I had a big paragraph written, and then I accidentally closed the browser tab.

That’s pretty much been my day so far.

computer-facepalm

 

SO ANYWHO.

What I’ve been doing since January, Coles notes edition:

1. Went to a handful of therapy sessions with a super sweet lady. Went well. I currently don’t feel the need to attend any longer.

2. Through the above, and otherwise simply just by chilling the fuck out and not overthinking everything (which, let’s be honest, it’s me here, I’ve slipped up a bunch),  learned that the only person who can really fix my shit, is, shockingly, me. 

3. Got a job at Hot Topic, which is cool because I wanted to work there in high school. Remember all those shows where the insecure teen goes into some random store, and meets this super awesome employee that gives them life advice and a cool new wardrobe? yeah, I got to be that for a few months. But only a few months, because seasonal. More garbage.

4. I start a new, full-time, desk job tomorrow at a courier company. I’ve never been a morning person (people say that all the time, but seriously. I’m useless before, like…noon.), so this will certainly be a test of my willpower. On the plus side, and one of the main reasons why I’m updating, is because since I’ll actually be out of my apartment and not sitting around with no pants on with no motivation to write ANYTHING, I’ll actually be updating this thing regularly.

officejobs

5. G33KPRON is better than ever. Still with them. Love them the most. We sponsored a party that sold out The Horseshoe, so suck it.

So that’s basically it. I’m on some weird personal journey of not being constantly sick and anxious and ruining things, and it’s (for the most part) going quite well.

In closing…the union of these two minds brought me more joy than I care to admit:

tardbub3

 

See you tomorrow. I won’t be very awake.

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Hiiii. So my last post in April (yeesh) was pretty serious, and if you don’t know me personally, it probably looks like I died or something. Especially since my site legit went offline and I lost my domain name UNLESS I COULD PAY $150 TO GET IT BACK.

Yeah no.

But the second half of 2012, was, I think, both the best and worst 6 months I’ve had in years. Since that what’s it’s here for, I’m recapping the highlights.

 

1. That time I went to Buffalo. Twice. ON A BUS.

Yeah, THAT HAPPENED.

awyissduck

Yup. Did this in my head the whole time.

Now what was I doing in Buffalo, you ask?

Well,  I met a dude on OKCupid, and after several months of texting, phone calls, and picture exchanges, I decided I’d go and visit him. It went super well, so I went back a month or so later. Between hotel rooms, weird bars, not-so-weird bars, a really cool cafe, a super awesome street fair where we saw way too many food trucks than I can remember, a goth dude with cat ears and a tail, awesome new friends, a bus that had a broken bathroom and smelled like poop death, and a really great sense of relief that I made it, I had a blast both times I went down and I’d totally go back. In the end, though, it didn’t work out with the guy for a multitude of reasons (mainly distance and the fact that he works and goes to school), but we still talk every now and then, and I’m still super stoked on the fact that I was able to spend a total of 9 hours on a bus (we drove/Go trained it home once) and not freak out. Hi Andy. Thanks. :)

 

2. That time my G33KPRON girls won at life at Fan Expo 2012.

Literally the best weekend of life. This past summer,  G33KPRON had our first booth at the Fan Expo. Every year, it stands to be the most exhausting, nerve-wracking, weird, and exciting weekend out of anything I’ve ever experienced. We also had the privilege of throwing the official launch party on the Thursday night. The guest lineup was pretty bonkers, but we collectively had our hearts set on Norman Reedus, Alan Tudyk, and Nelsan Ellis (those were the top 3 if I recall correctly).

The day before, and day of, the launch party, we hand out hundreds of flyers telling people about it. Naturally, it would be awesome if we got some of the guests to attend as well. Promo, schmoozing, bragging rights. You know.

After composing myself (as much as I could while dressed as Tank Girl) I shyly ran up to Norman’s convention handler (who is the super awesome Sean Clark of Dread Central/Bloody Disgusting), gave them a flyer, and told them about t he party and about how totally great it would be and how they should totally show up.

Norman looks it over, and says yes, and that he’ll bring Sean (Clark) and Sean Patrick Flannery.

Wat.

Then we took this:

menorman1

Then he went back to meeting fans, and I ran over and yelled about how Norman Reedus was totally coming to the launch party and oh my GOD.

Near the end of the day, we invited Alan Tudyk as well. I had approached him before and he said to come back and fill him in…and as I was, Twiggy was at his booth doing just that. Oh, us. Lawl.

Setting up for the party was a nightmare, people were being douchebags, stress was everywhere, it was the bad kind of crazy, and everyone really needed to just smoke a joint and relax or something…but when it got going, people just POURED in. At was a huge success. Everyone showed up, as promised.

Also this happened:

menorman2

NBD, just us G33kPRON ladies with Norman and Sean.

 

menorman3

All these cameras interrupting our hangs, UGH. (Did I mention he was my Fan Expo BFF?)

Anyway. Booze was had, schmoozing was had, great party was had.

Norman, Sean x2, Jon Bernthal (The Walking Dead) and Sara Wayne Callies (The Walking Dead) also came out Saturday night to my favourite bar(s). Things got messy, no photos were taken, and Norman left his hoodie at the Bovine so now I have it. I fully intend to give it back to him next time he’s here too. Serious.

Sunday night was much more chill, but just as awesome. I went to Comedy Bar to catch Nelsan Ellis‘ guest spot on Sean Cullen’s The Seanpod, and I was lucky enough to hang out with him backstage for a while. I was shocked to realize how quiet he is in person, and he was complete pleasure to speak with. Soft-spoken, polite, and VERY humble. I guess he liked hanging out with me too, because he granted G33KPRON the only interview he did all weekend! We were so excited and grateful! Here’s the video Jess got:

Boosh. This year we’re going to go balls out (get it? Because we have no balls? …hello?) at Fan Expo, so I’ll be posting all about it.

Now, onto a less-awesome note…

 

3. That time I had a near-suicidal meltdown while trying to lower my med dosage.

:/

This is the first time I’ve written about this. A few people know it happened.

Remember my last post about the really shitty horrible awful side effects of Effexor withdrawal? Well I went to the doctor and decided I wanted to try tapering off a small dosage at a time. I was going from 150mg to 112.5mg. not a huge difference, but sometimes it’s too much. If I ended up having any side effects, I was to just go back and they would adjust it.

Much to my surprise, I wasn’t experiencing any symptoms whatsoever. Obviously this was really awesome, and I assumed I’d be fine, and was super happy that after almost 9 years, I was slowly eliminating this horrible drug from my body and mind.

OH, NO YOU DON’T. NOT SO FAST, IDIOT.

Exactly 3 weeks in, I had just woken up from a nap (I really vividly remember this night, sigh)…and suddenly I started feeling scared. Not anxious, just flat out afraid. On top of that, the most prominent thought in my head was…

What would hurting myself be like? What about killing myself? How could I do it? How would people react?

What in the actual fuck? I don’t want to hurt or kill myself. I never have. Why the fuck am I thinking about this, and why won’t it go away? And why am I go scared right now?

Like clockwork, in comes one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had. My whole body was tingling, my chest was hurting,  I couldn’t breathe calmly, I was shaking and crying and freaking out and THERE WAS NO REASON WHY.

My friend Danielle was online at the time and promised me it was actually one of the more common side effects of lowering (not totally stopping, just lowering) Effexor dosage.

Oh, okay. Well…what do I do? Well first, I took another pill so I would be back up to my normal dosage by tomorrow.

Then I called my mom.

Of course, anyone knows that when you’re upset, if you talk to your mom about it, you get 2376497 times MORE upset.

I totally lost it. I just laid on my floor and cried while holding my phone, not knowing why, or why those horrible harmful thoughts were stuck in my head, and why I couldn’t calm down. My mom stayed on the line, and talked to me until I found a few Xanax and crawled into bed and calmed down a little. When I was sleepy, I let her go and put myself into the calmest headspace I could imagine until I finally passed out.

When I woke up the next day…I felt totally fine. No panicking, no harmful thoughts, just mentally exhausted from the night before.

I was, and for some reason still am, a bit shaken up by the whole thing…I don’t know if I’ve been totally the same since. It’s not a feeling I can accurately describe, but it’s like I’ve become more timid. I know the only reason it happened was the medication, but that hasn’t stopped me from worrying it will happen again.

That was in November. Nothing even remotely similar has happened since, and as soul-crushing as it was…I know at some point in the future when I’m in a secure enough place, I’m going to try lowering it again. I have to. This stuff is poison, and now that I know what to expect, I’ll be able to fight through it. That won’t be for a while though. I’ve even thought about finding a psychiatrist to help me. Getting totally free of this drug has to happen soon, and I would be stupid to not seek out any and all help I can get.

So…yeah. That was time I went temporarily crazy.

crazy

Thanks to Allie for the picture.

 

 

4. That ti- GRUMPY CAT GRUMPY CAT GRUMPY CAT!!!

I love this cat so much. Tardar Sauce is my spirit animal. We are kindred. We are one.

grumpycat1

grumpycat2

grumpycat3

I’ll just post every picture, whatever.

 

 

 

Those were the key points of last year. I worked at DAVIDsTEA for a few months as a Seasonal TEAm Member, and it was flat out the best thing ever, so I’m gong to reapply when a spot becomes available. (I will recommend them forever, buy their tea. DO IT.)

Until then, I’m writing for G33kPRON, and ghostwriting for a company my friend owns. It’s keeping me afloat for now.

Stay tuned, weirdos. <3

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I will never tire of looking at my stats page.

 

encrypted_search_terms This still confuses me.

list of things i want to do with my boyfri I didn’t leave out letters, that was it. “boyfri”.

hilarious/fat stripper names hahaha I forgot I wrote about that.

i dare you to get it up What??

kara schertzer-fluharty I still don’t know who this is, or why people end up here when they search for her. (Have I googled her name? Nope.)

rhianna naked Yep. Still got it.

lady gaga caution tape/lady gaga telephone outfit YES. THE WORLD MUST KNOW.

don’t touch my boyfriend bitch okay. jpg

 

FCEYI

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